we are all lined up

[ambar]

Up past my bedtime, so this will be short, but the brain has been full of thoughts and realizations over the last couple of days.

Explaining oneself to new acquaintances can be useful for the sudden jar of new versions of one's story about oneself. bellicaneko asked me tonight what I did with my horses, and without thinking very hard I said that I admired them and enjoyed them, but mostly I beat myself up about not riding them.

Whoof. Way to make light conversation.

Also had sudden realization (earlier, while escaping work) that I have a map of how poly "should" work for me, ideally, which is nothow it works. (Surprise!) And instead of just accepting "this is what and how I want", I argue with myself. Incessantly. Time to stop that.

Time to go to bed, too. New campus, new commute, 8am class... I'm jittering almost as badly as marith.

Comments

[tugrik.livejournal.com]

So now you have me curious. How should poly work for you?

I've had to do a lot of thinking on poly stuff in the last few years, considering those who I've met and cared for. I'm still quite 'stand off slightly distant and study it curiously' even during the times I'm participatory. So when someone I know has some decently-defined views to share I really like hearing them.

Of course, if I'm being nosy, just give said nose a push away and I'll get the hint. :)

[xthread.livejournal.com]

Definitely. Pray elaborate...

Re: poly

[ambar.livejournal.com]

Well, it took a while for this to age enough for me to be able to answer it without a lot of effort. :) In short, my preconception (well, not "pre" conception, but previous idea, okay?) was sort of "lots of relationships, no particular hierarchy among them." And there are still aspects of that notion that serve me. But what I've also noticed -- and have finally realized that it is OKAY that I am this way -- is that things tend to work out, willy-nilly, so that I have one primary relationship and everything else is various flavors of secondary.

Hope that helps --

[tugrik.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the answer. It's something worth thinking about over proper time, agreed.

I am somewhat the same way. However, I think with me it's been more everything-is-secondary without a primary at all. There's no good way to define this, other than to say that the most important times of my life have all been things-done-alone. This leaves me with a lot of questions to mull over.